A Secret

VIEWERS DISCRETION : This article is clearly not intended to promote any kind of suicidal or depressive emotions. The character in this article is completely frictional and has no connection with the reality. Adult should make a conscious decision whether or not to read it and be very careful about letting children read it. It is a request to all the viewers to reach out for help to character relatable to this person to stop such incidences. Viewers discretion is advised.

 

I would like to confess a secret today. A secret that once gave me goose-bumps to reveal. Its that kind of a secret that reveals the darker side in you, which artist feels vulnerable when they publish their master-piece which receives appreciation in public, yet bring sadness to them. That secret was like a box which had all this dark cards and somehow he/she was the person who opened in public. This incidence is like a black mark for me in my history of life. There is a list of things that I have done in my life and I’m not proud of. This particular incidence is number one on that list. 

It was a hot sunny day. The sun had rose too high and was emitting its hot rays on the earth. Other than that, it was a normal boring day in my college. It was on my first year of dental school and I had a mind set of fashion school. I always wanted to be a fashion designer. It was my biggest dream to do major’s in fashion from Symbiosis University, Pune. After my 12th grade I used to google everything about that college, get pictures, know the registration and admission requirements. I was so obsessed that I used to get dreams about that college, staying in their hostel and studying in that college…I had a complete mindset about the fashion field. I had convinced my brother to help me establish a blog where I would display my designs and sketches. https://kazumidesigns.blogspot.com/ – This is my basic blog and it is still active to this day. I’m not advertising for this blog neither I have any monetary gain in this. But I just want you guys to understand my passion about fashion designing.

My parents took that passion in a whole new different way. They presumed that I have reached a dead-end of my life and If I don’t decide to take a U-turn back then I won’t be able to achieve any success in my life. On the other hand, I was too rebellious with their presumption. I had many discussions with my parents regarding this and even my mom had accompanied to attend an interview of mine at M.S. University regarding some diploma course in Arts. I had passed the general knowledge test with borderline marks and in interview I was surrounded with 5 professors and they all were very impressed with my drawing skills and my calligraphic art in words. But since they only offered me a diploma course I rejected that registration and walked out of that room leaving those 5 professors surprised. Then my parents got me admitted into an private teaching institute in Vidyanagar for fashion designing which was way below standards of my dream for Symbiosis University. The only thing I lacked at that time was patience (may be due to such a young age of just 17) to wait for entry level exams for Symbiosis which was 6 months form that time. So, I attended that private institute for couple days and came back as I was not impressed by their teaching style. And I thought my parents took advantage of my return and somehow convinced me to take up admissions in Dental school instead of waiting. Still I was so into my day-dreaming that I was attending Anatomy, Physiology classes in dental school and still dreaming of attending fashion classes in Symbiosis.

I was a very absent minded person in college and outside college. I didn’t showed any kind of presence outside college. I used to come early in lecture to take up corner seats in every classes where I won’t be able to be seen by professor and exiting every class thinking that I had attended fashion classes. I was the first person to escape any social events like making friends, during ragging etc. I used to sleep early around 8-9 pm and used to wake up after 1 pm when everyone was asleep and used to surf in internet random stuff about fashion industry. During this period I had created those sketches which you can see in my blog link above. I used to announce confidently to my seniors and friends that I was a guest here and soon will be gone to my dream college. This happened for at least 4-5 months when I was made to face the harsh truth that I am not going anywhere and will have to complete this course and get degree. If I don’t then I will be kicked out from this college and my career is over. I was still in denial of staying in dental school and still hoped to go to Symbiosis. So, I brought myself to this ‘do or die’ mental situation and I opted to take a huge step again my own body and that was to take my life. I would like to make it clear to my viewers that, that step was my Biggest mistake in my life and I still wish if I could go back in past and change it. Now, ‘suicide’ is a very big term and hard thing to do. No a soft hearted person or everybody have the guts to do that. I  had thought of all kinds of ways to commit suicide and crossed every single options. First, I thought of hanging myself to a ceiling fan to which I was scared to do that, (no experience) Secondly I thoughts of drinking phenyl or poison which was also a hard thing to get it for person of my age from common grocery store. Finally, I came to conclusion of buying sleeping pills and taking them so that I can go to sleep and never wake up. Now I know you will think its hard to get them without prescription, but in India rules are not that implemented. And as I was a daughter of a medical professional, I had found ways to make it happen.

Its hard to express the rush of emotions that I had during that time. In that age its very easy to slip for any such thing. I was a straight forward kid back in school, no affairs no relationships nothing. I used to come back home straight from school and tutions. I never fell for anyone such that I fell for my dreams. It was just so hard for a kid like me to accept that fact that I always obeyed what my parents said, I did everything what they said still I was not allowed to take up education that was my soul. I wasn’t running for a guy or madly in love with someone to cut my wrists, the only thing I asked was to allow me to take an education that interested me. Those deep dark emotions of pressure, not allowed to take certain things had taken up my mind so much so that I forgot how important my life is and how valuable I’m to my family. No one was there to help me how to cope up with such emotions In situations like this, teenagers like me take such decisions that are itself a sign of self-devaluation. Now I got this knowledge about the sleeping anti-anxiety pills which I got it from the pharmacy some how and took 20 tablets at once. It was a quiet afternoon and generally all the girls in were sleeping in the hostel after attending college and having lunch. I changed my dress which was my favorite, thinking as if wearing for the last time. Took off my white apron with the my name plate on it in front of the mirror of my cupboard. I looked at the name plate and said to myself “this is the last time you will see your name on anything like this…” I took a shower changed to my most comfortable PJ’s as I tried to make death a comfortable incidence, as much as I can. I took out that small bottle filled with pills from my study desk drawer without making any noise as my roommates were sleeping. I took roughly around 20 pills in my palm and took a glass of water and stuffed my mouth with those pills and tried to drank water to facilitate swallowing. Within couple seconds I felt that bad taste in my mouth and it was so strong that I had to rush in my washroom and spit in the basin. There were couple left in my mouth I didn’t wanted to spit that out to so quickly I grabbed some sweet that was lying on my desk near the bathroom and eat couple so that I can bear that bad taste of the pills. Later I dissolved couple pills in glass of water and then drank that water down my throat. After that I had drank like 3-4 glass of water to get that taste out. I felt as if I will be on the other side of the world within couple seconds. With the pills bottle holding in my hand I went towards my bed and covered myself with my blanket, thinking that this was the end of my life.

Within an hour, my stomach started to throw up badly and my roommates woke up to this situation. They kept on asking me “what happened??” but I couldn’t answer anything. Many girls got gathered in my room and they called the hostel warden and then the warden came, by that time I had informed one of my roommate that I had taken around 20 sleeping pills, committing suicide. As the warden came and was informed, she called the poison control department and immediately acted accordingly. She made me vomit many times as it acted like a gastric lavage in poison remedy. I was later taken to hospital for check up, and there I was informed that I had taken 20 pills of calpol (paracetamol normal pain killer) instead of campazine (anti-anxiety). The next day my dad came and took me to home. I stayed at home for a month until I had accepted the fact that I am going to be a dentist now, not a fashion designer. A month later when I came back to that hostel everybody looked at me with sympathy in their eyes, some thought I left for fashion design, some advised that I can still be a fashion designer after I complete my dental school. Anyway getting over with that was hard and a struggle,but living with that imagination was even worst. I realized, that imagination was just killing me slowly and good that I realized that early and was still alive. Life is a gift, which should be used wisely. My dad taught me how other who wanted to live in this world with their loved ones couldn’t because of some illness and here I was taking my life for nothing. As I studied in dentistry I realized that fixing someones tooth and relieving their pain was much bigger than any other filling. And in terms of universes I’m much smaller than an ant, so it doesn’t matter if I live or die, but it matters a lot to my family and parents. My parents wanted me to be a dentist not just because it has good carrier, but also because that feeling is really nice that you have the ability to relieve  people’s pain. I became more wiser after this incidence and learned to appreciate my surroundings, but not every one who take this step gets this chance to experience. So, at any point in life if you are in situation, just think for a moment before acting, that its easy to give up, so don’t chose to give up, but instead fight for it and believe me ending life is not going to help. If one has a chance to live in such a wonderful world don’t just waste it by ending early but make something useful from it.

1 Comment

  1. Hmm it looks like your site ate my first comment (it was super long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I submitted and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog writer but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any tips and hints for beginner blog writers? I’d genuinely appreciate it.

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